1) You can’t name your kid Blanket
In Germany, the local Stadsamt can veto the name of your child if the proposed name doesn’t reflect the sex of the child or if it may endanger the well-being of the child. So sadly little Espn and his sister Yoga will probably not be getting their birth certificates in Germany. Then again, Helmut, Mechtchild and Waltraut will pass with flying colors, so maybe it’s better to skip the approval process entirely.
2) Animal sounds
In Germany, animals may look the same and even sound the same to you, but the “Ol’ McDonald had a farm” song sounds completely different. A rooster doesn’t say “Cockle a doodle doo”, to a German they say “kikiriki”. Whaaa? Oh and as a bonus, Germans don’t say “Ouch” or “Ow” when they get hurt, they say “Aua” (pronounced like “Ow-wah”). To an American, it’s very weird.
3) Time commitment to Hobbies
Germany is a land of regulation. It’s not so easy to just pick up a hobby like it is in the US. Want to play golf? You need to take lessons, get a handicap and join a club. Public courses are few and far between and most of them require a proof of handicap card anyways. You have to invest a lot of time in your hobby of choice, so it is my experience that Germans are usually very good at their free time diversions. Whether it be singing in a barber shop quartet, horseback riding or having an awesome mustache, the time commitment for your favorite hobby is no laughing matter.
4) American Pop culture references are not funny
Sadly, Miley Cyrus twerking jokes fall on deaf ears at the Cafe-Ecke (like the water-cooler except it’s a corner where you drink coffee). And when you actually try to demonstrate a twerk, people weirdly run from you like you have the plague. What’s that all about?
5) Length of Meals
In Germany compared to the US, service is notoriously slow. I used to get upset every time I had to flag down a waiter because my Saumagen was taking forever. Now, I get a little weirded out by all the attention I receive from wait-staff in the US. Just chill out, I’m going to be here for a while. I gots things to discuss. Don’t bring me the bill and tell me “No rush”. If it’s no rush, then why the hell are you putting it on my table. We all know what you’re doing. You have tables to turn and profits to make, but let’s not be coy about it.
There is a German saying “Friendship is a plant we must often water.” It takes a bit of effort before you gain their trust. You have to, like, listen to what they are saying, take an interest in their lives and actually follow through on what you say. What the hell? Are we in a relationship? Oh, yea, kind of. In my experience, Germans are less likely to throw the word friend around, but once you do establish a connection, they are really dependable. Also, you know where you stand with a German – if they don’t like you, it’s not going to be hard to figure out.
7) People actually follow the rules
Especially when the rule is not passing people on the right. It’s not just illegal, it’s dangerous. While driving 200 km per hour (over 65% of the highways have no speed limit) on the A6, the last thing you want is a surprise. Things must be predicatble. Seriously, “dipping” people left and right in your hatchback VW (everybody has a hatchback in Germany) is just stupid… Now if somebody could travel back in time and tell that to high school me, it would be much appreciated.
8) “Don’t be a Nazi” isn’t funny
In the US, it’s a punchline for anybody that is overly strict. In Germany, don’t, ever, under any circumstance, tell your coworker to “stop being such a Copy Nazi”. Trust me, he won’t think it’s funny.
9) Riding a bike to work is not dorky
Businessmen in slacks and ties ride their bikes to work and not one person would ever think to call them a dork for it. It’s a valid form of transportation, even if its cherry red and only has one speed. Oh, and stay the hell out of bike lines. Seriously, they won’t stop.
10) Eye Contact
Getting off the tram, going to the market, buying a döner, getting back on the tram – people will stare at you. The normal time for eye contact may only be one or two seconds longer than in the US, but those fleeting moments seem to go on for eternity. I always end up feeling like I have a booger or some festering boil on my face that I didn’t notice when I looked in the mirror that morning. For the love of David Hasselhof, stop staring at me Waltraut!
German’s don’t really love David Hasselhof.
Or do they?